It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
