When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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