Non-Jews are for practice
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
