is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
