We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
