oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
