I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
