Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Blood and glitter go together right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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