my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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