Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
