3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
