Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
