I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
