I'm sorry my penis didn't work
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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