she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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