I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
