I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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