i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
