i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
