There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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