So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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