i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
