Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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