Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
