So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
