Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
