I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
