I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
