everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
