I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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