he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
