I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
