you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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