Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
