if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
