I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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