Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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