The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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