if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
