Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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