You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
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he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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