just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
