i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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