Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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