She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
