Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
