totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
