Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
