i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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