Don't you send me to vm
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
don't judge my taste in strippers
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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