Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
