shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
