Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
