I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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