Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
