he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
