Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
