Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
