Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
