I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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