FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
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I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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