is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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